theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
