I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
