party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
