Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
