That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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