Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's official drugs can't kill me
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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