how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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