I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I love you. Go after that dick
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
