my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
