she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
