Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
