even my farts smell like vagina
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
