Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
