my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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