Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
