apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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