Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you had me at cake vodka
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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