Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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