I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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