meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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