i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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