I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
