Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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