Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
