guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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