What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
