if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
