theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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