"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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