Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
