Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
