you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
