the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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