once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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