You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
