I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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