is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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