"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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