I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
