Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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