There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
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