I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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