Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
