I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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