you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
