We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
