I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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