I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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