I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
