Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
