well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
