My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
