Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize