I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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