I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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