Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
