is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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