My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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