Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
