I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
