I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
